Grown Up For What

Yesterday I had a dream in which I spoke to my childhood. We had a good long dialogue about almost the whole lot happening in life. He dominated the chat all the way around and I was helpless because whatever he said was nothing but the truth.

It reminded me of the childhood years when I had all the freedom in this world, to do anything and everything but now I am a man surrounded by the boundaries of responsibilities, relations, aims, desires and expectations.

As a child, my mind was blank, naive and free from the distinctions of right and wrong. I used to do what I though and it was all out of purity. Times have changed now and I have developed as a mature person driven by materialistic desires which seem never-ending. I consider a lot prior to doing anything and that is why I hardly do a bit.

My childhood takes me back to the days when I needed a mom’s lap and dad’s shouting to sense that I belong to some one who exercise their right over me. That was a regular schedule for me. But nowadays, I have grown into a gentleman who needs nobody to live. I can manage things on my own. I used to hate my people asking me if I had food or if I was in good health but now, I don’t need anyone because there is no one close to me.

I remember that one day all the cousins went out for a lunch with our families. All of us ordered for chicken noodles. Only me and my brother got half plate noodles as we were too young too eat a full plate. I was furious and had I got money that time, I would have ordered one complete plate for each of us. I felt terrible and upset and promised to myself that the day I have money I will do that. I prayed to GOD to send me loads of money and HE did that but after some time

So, now I have money but my brother is not here. Even we hardly get enough time together. Both of us are busy in our lives, making our future (I wonder what future is that). How foolish was it to ask GOD for money that time. Had I asked for more time being a child with my people, I would not have regretted like today.

I always wanted to grow to possess big brains, bigger money with biggest of the responsibilities but now, I realize how brainless I was. No matter how stronger a figure I show, I still want my people to live with, I am all alone inside.

Childhood days were worriless; I scarcely had concern for something and lived in my own world. But now, I am out of it and existing in the authentic filthy world. I have to be bothered about every little I do and see if does not affect anything unconstructively.

Whenever I miss those days, it always brings tears to my dry eyes. Nowadays, I don’t fight with my brother for clothes, cassettes, food, cold drinks or TV anymore. We do not shout at each other nor complain to mom and dad. We do not get a good thrashing from our parents for different reasons. We cannot play the games we used to because we have grown up, not anymore kids. Everything has changed and so are we. But, this is not at all what I always wanted.

I am myself to blame for this because I always wanted to grow up. Now, I am grown up to be left wandering for something which I myself don’t know.

According to Mamkol, “Children are innocent and that is why they want to grow up”.