The Amusing English

Every passing day, we discover more and more about the need of ‘English’ as a very vital means of communicating. It is undoubtedly the Global language at this era, in India at least. But, what happens when English language is used in a very confusing manner that makes you think, laugh, cry and sympathize with the people who have written it. I have certain experiences to share with you:

Sale and Service available
Usually refers to the technological stuff, gadgets, cars and other such things. But, it was written on a shop that sells fishes. Sale is ok but what about servicing. I thought there would be surgeons but could locate only handful of sales people who didn’t even knew how to speak ‘English’. God really needs to bless them and I wonder if they have spare parts for the fishes also. I should have asked them, better luck next time.

24 hours open
You will say ‘normal’ but listen. It was not written on a billboard but shutter of a closed medical shop. Now, how much is it normal dude?

Addidas, Nike, Rebook, Puma – You have it all
I know you will say that these are brands but wait a minute. It was written on a single t-shirt and the shirt was manufactured by a company called ‘S-Mark’. What a combination guys, all brands under one roof. By the way, how many of you know about this merger. I still am trying to locate it on Google.

Made from only clean and fresh hydrogen and oxygen
Guess before you move on reading about it. It was for mineral water bottle which I got on Delhi-Jammu highway. Creative minds over exhaust themselves and the result is visible.

Well built, no history and in good health condition
This was in a matrimonial newspaper. Don’t laugh guys; I have tried to interpret what he meant to say. He needed a 6 feet tall girl with no boyfriend since she was born and in the best of health. He actually referred to ‘Eve’. Only she didn’t have a boyfriend before marriage and was the only lady who did not suffer from even a single disease. Somebody tell him that he is born too late.

All female treatments available – come with your wife and forget
A roadside quack had this written on his tent shop. I hope he really didn’t mean what he had written otherwise most of the husbands would have done that till now. Women are the toughest to handle, I bet he does not know what the meaning of what is written on his shop.

For rent – sorry to bachelors, no lady keeps home clean
I am still trying to get the gist of it. Why is he sorry to bachelors and why does he feel that no lady can keep home clean? We need a philosopher to crack this out, anybody out there.

According to Mamkol, “Have you heard about that famous line – ass you lick it”.

Upgrading Proverbs

Since childhood we have heard very famous proverbs and sayings. But they seem to have become outdated now; need modifications to fit in the contemporary era.

With all respect for these sayings, this is just an effort to make things clearer and up to date for the future generations to comprehend the meanings efficiently.

If wishes were horses’ beggars would ride – Horses have become obsolete now, replace them with a car, except Nano which is again affordable. The other option can be substituting horses by roads and beggars by people. Now read it, ‘If wishes were roads, people would drive’. This is ideal, because we really don’t have space on roads to drive.

Every dog has its day – God damn it, whose has been the night till now. We cannot do much with dogs, cannot change their name here - Animal Rights Violation. There is an addition which is required, about bitches. It is an era of equality and we have to keep these things in mind. So, it can be ‘Every dog has its day and every bitch has its life’. See, I am talking about Women Empowerment.

Practice makes a man perfect – By the way, which perfectionist wrote it? There is nothing in this globe which is perfect except GOD and I bet HE hasn’t written it. We need to be more practical in our lives and admit the realities. Make it, “practice and then dream of being perfect”. See, I don’t give you hopes of being perfect but the liberation to dream about it.

Talk of the devil and he is sure to appear – It needs alteration, considering the amount of effect a ‘devil’ has on the generations. Simply change it to, ‘Talk of Devil or not, he is sure to emerge’ because he is omnipresent. High rates of misdeed, violence, cruelty and greediness are the best examples to justify this amendment.

The more you have, the more you want - It is absolutely not the manner things are happening at the moment. Whatever you have or whatsoever you get, you always want more and more. It is an acquisitive, selfish, voracious globe where no one is contented; people demand more and become nomadic in their thoughts. Change it to, ‘Whatever you have, you want more’. Let us be in agreement with how we act.

Money is the root of all evils – I don’t see this is possible. Money on its own cannot be blamed for the evils; it is the humans that should be liable. Give money to any animal (other than human), he would not be able to do anything with it. For them, these are meager pieces of paper. Because we cannot remove humans from this globe, change the proverb to “Humans are the root of all evils”.

According to Mamkol, “Where there is a will, there has to be money”.